I'm not particularly sure if this counts as an introduction or not, but it's more of a recollection of my time and experience on Massive, as I can recall at the moment.
Okay, so this is a post on impulse, I was feeling pretty crappy and just wanted to do a little vent, to share a little bit about myself, and maybe give some good vibes to other people. It's selfish, but hey, nobody gets hurt except me, so it's cool. Those who knows me more on an OOC level will recognise that this sorta thing isn't really.. Me, I guess. But I felt it appropriate, given I first joined Massive during May of 2014, a bit of an anniversary.
I first joined Massivecraft in early to mid 2014, not too long ago, compared to some others, but it was about when I got my first computer, and proper access to the internet, given I'd not had a phone or anything that could do the whole, internetty spaghetti stuff, it was an old LG flip phone that serve little more purpose than to play Snake and listen to music. I started off small, as a character that I hardly even remember myself, they amounted to nothing, did nothing, and become nothing, but despite this I enjoyed creating things for them, terrible sketches and mock ups of character sheets for her, back when they weren't as mandatory for some times. I wanted to create something out of her, wanted to build her up into a character that I loved to play, but such never would happen. The few friends I had made with her departed from the server, so I lowered my head, and moved on.
Following this, I moved onwards, with a character named Scarlet, crappy, generic character name I know, but my favourite colour at the time was red. She was this, extensively quiet, nervous ball of self-loathing that I wretch at the concept of today, at the time, she was something of a genderswapped self-insert, I was a ball of low self-esteem, and no confidence in myself or others at all. I got involved with a group of friends that would see me through to at least the middle of 2017, people who conflicted and clashed with many other parties through conflict bred by poor OOC choices and IC gang warfare in the sewers, back when things were horrendously toxic and weren't moderated so well. The 'mugclique' as it were, was a group that I found myself enjoying spending time with, despite arguments, infighting and whatever that happens typically with friend groups. I got involved with a few groups during this time, most of them I enjoyed spending time with, others, not so much. I got roped into the plethora of OOC debates and arguments that arose, and foolishly tried to mediate things, making repeated attempts at encouraging these people to talk with each other calmly, which I now understand doesn't happen on the wide world of the internet.
It was during this time that I tried my hand at moving into the Noble Scene, with my first more notable character in Irina Haagenvig, she was my first attempt at actually making something of myself, and despite falling flat, I'm honestly surprised to find that several of the people I'd interacted with hadn't forgotten her, it was truly flattering to find out that fact. But it was during this time that I'd begun to properly break out of my shell, I tried to get stuck in and involved with things, getting over my fear of initiating roleplay, as well as my avid hatred for combat roleplay at the time. I offer a great many thanks to @CelestialDelight and @Jouster during this time, being involved with d'Vaud and Haagenvig was a great time, and allowed me to find what it was that I wanted to do, similarly, the good folk of House Wodenstaff at the time were great too, I'm really thankful for even the simplest of positive interactions I had with many people, it really got my spirits up.
Finding myself at the end of 2017, and the turn into 2018, I found myself mostly isolated, despite such a large, accommodation community surrounding me, I was alone. My friends that I'd been with for so long had gone their own ways, be it migrating to other roleplay servers, or simply cutting ties entirely. Though this loneliness was my own folly, as I'd departed from the group after an especially rough fight, which I later found to be something that saw the slow end of our group, with my friends leaving for their own reasons or dedications, and I wish them well. I spent the majority of my time not really sticking to a single character, before I stumbled upon the idea of a gambling-centric Noble, named Marissa Morgann.
Marissa's run was likely my highest point during my time on Massivecraft, she interacted both positively and negatively with many people, and I loved roleplaying her. I managed to build a community around myself, with my own hands for the first time. For the first time I had the chance to lead something that I wanted to lead, and I was proud of myself. During this time, I began to see change in myself from an OOC perspective, it's funny how much socialising in a block game can remind someone that people aren't so scary, and that you can just step up and talk to people if you have good reason. Honestly, the boost in confidence helped me land myself a job, as well as a proper group of friends of my own that are still incredibly close to me. A lot happened during my time roleplaying as Marissa, primarily events with those of House du Pont, who at first I personally antagonised, and honestly really disliked, but my initial opinions of them were broken down entirely, and I remember my roleplay with many of their members fondly. During this time, I learned plenty more about managing a community of my own, recruiting, inviting people in, and generally just making sure that people had things to do, and enjoyed doing them. I loved sticking my neck out for my friends, and interacting with many people outside of my own circles at the gambling events that I hosted at my bar.
Though, despite how good these times were, towards the end, things weren't as great. In my own life, and I fell into something of a depression due to a few events that occurred that I'll not detail here for relevancy's sake. It was at this time that I'd chosen to change my username, in an attempt to garner myself a clean slate entirely, new username, new forums, new everything, just so that I could move on. Coupled with the fact that I was finally moving from my crappy little council house to move on towards a dorm at Glasgow University, life was looking up after my rut, and I'd began to work myself to the bone to achieve what I wanted to. Despite this attempt at a re-branding, I made the foolish mistake of joining a call on discord, and given my rather strong accent, people correlated who I was, but I just moved on from that.
Following this, was a period of blankness, I did little, tried to do little, and whatever I did do amounted to absolutely nothing, I was in a complete rut, spurred on by the recent breakup with my partner at the time, I'd contemplated leaving the server entirely, and leaving quite a few other things. But what kept me from this was a slightly chance encounter, something of a last-ditch attempt at getting involved, I joined the Divine Militia, led by @TheyCalledMeKiko. The Divine Militia, at the time, was exactly what I needed to fix at least my lack of direction in roleplay. It had a clear objective to fulfil, and my most recent brainstorm, Veronika, was perfect for it. So I made headway, and pushed myself hard to succeed within the group, and along the way, made numerous great friends, they gave me the encouragement I needed to keep at it on the server. Though with the departure of Kiko, and the closure of the Divine Militia, it was time for me to stand on my own once again, to try to make something of my own again. I applied for Nobility for House Eliopolous, at the time, the only Etosian Nobility, and frankly, one of incredibly few Etosians actively played, I wanted to increase that number, though had few of the means to do so, so things stagnated, and my drive was slowly replaced with complete apathy for what was going on around me, I couldn't find it within me to care enough to continue on. But slowly and surely, I found myself getting back into things, though perhaps at the wrong time entirely.
As of now, I find myself wandering from group to group, hardly able to find anywhere that really clicks for me, nowhere that particularly fits me, or needs me there. And I'm fine with that. I've made my mistakes, I've faced my consequences, so I'll just maintain course.
For anyone who reads this who's anxious of being alone, or fears being swept under and made irrelevant by the vast and creative playerbase that Massivecraft has, don't be afraid to make a splash, no matter how small it'll always ripple. Go on and be brave, get stuck in and do what you can to get your name in lights, your time will always come with the effort you put in. And for those making an effort and endlessly finding failure, don't be afraid of stepping back and taking a breather, the answers usually come when you're not looking for them. For those who are anxious or afraid of the world around them, I just want to reassure you that nothing is as bad as it seems when you're afraid, fear makes everything look bigger and scarier than it really is.
But beyond all rather… Patronising messages I want to send with my rather uneventful story of irrelevance and being a pariah, I just wanted to say a Massive thank you to everyone and anyone I've ever spoken to, be it as Hexanone, Septanone, BleachfortheSoul or Antimreoir. If we've fought, you've helped me learn to assert myself, if we've been friends, you've helped me gain more of a sense of self-worth. So thank you.
